When it's about love
We fought and I don't know how to make it right
My friend, after a fight a heavy air stays in the house. Each of you waits for the other to take the first step, and the silence grows thicker. Listen: making it right does not mean admitting you lost. It means putting the bond above your pride. What matters is not who started it, but who has the courage to reach out a hand. Most often, beneath the harsh words of both of you lies the same fear: that you no longer matter to each other. Say that, and the fight loses its teeth.
Questions for you
What was I really trying to say through this whole fight?
A possible answerOften something simple: “I want you to listen”, “I'm scared”, “I need help”. Said directly, it would have been heard.
What was my part, however small?
A possible answerNot so you take all the blame, but so you can begin. “I'm sorry I raised my voice” opens a door that no explanation can.
Can I listen without preparing my reply?
A possible answerTry repeating what you heard before you answer: “So it hurt you that...”. A person who feels understood softens. A person who feels opposed hardens.
What would help us not end up here again?
A possible answerAn agreed signal for a pause, a rule not to discuss hard things when you're hungry or tired, one evening a week for what can't be said in a hurry.
Tonight's practice
Say or send one sentence, with no “but”: “I'm sorry for my part. We matter to me.” Then give it time. Don't demand an answer on the spot.
A thought to keep
“A fight goes out faster when one of you brings water instead of wood.”
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